Broken
by poisoncadence
Summary: Clare left Eli broken and alone. but when Eli's plan to kill Jake Martin doesn't go as planned, can Clare be the only one to save Eli...from himself?
1. Chapter 1

**Eli's POV**

My fingers were twitching, eager for my brain to send the command that would end a life. I gazed down impassively at the sleeping figure of Jake Martin. He exhaled, polluting another perfectly good amount of oxygen. He had stolen my love from me, he deserved to die. How long had they been together, since Jake came over to dinner with his dad? My twisted mind imagined Clare at the funeral, broken and sobbing. That part would hurt; I didn't want to hurt Clare. But there I would be, with open arms, ready to heal her.

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. Moonlight streamed through the window and reflected off of the handgun. I stared at it, completely detached. I had bought it a few months ago, planning to use it for my suicide. But now, it would be much more useful. It was the best purchase of my life. It had all been too simple. Clare was sleeping over at Fiona's, Helen and Glen were on some romantic weekend getaway, and I was supposedly at an Escape the Fate concert. The cops would never suspect me. And, of course, little Jake Martin would be at home, defenseless as a burglar broke in. He wouldn't be found until tomorrow morning at the earliest. By Clare even?

I squeezed my eyes shut as my mind flooded with memories.

"Did you ever even love me at all?"

Of course, Clare. I'll always love you.

"You're suffocating me!"

Not this time, Blue Eyes. Not this time.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt Clare this way. I could never kill a person who she loved. Shaking, I turned to leave the room. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to turn around, to put the gun up to Jake Martin's head. I paused with my hand on the door handle. I turned to look back. I couldn't do it. I left the house through the window in Clare's room, the same room I used to sneak into on weekends. The cold air bit into my skin as I walked through the empty streets. Clare had shattered my world. And yet here I was, crawling back to her every chance I got. Shouldn't all the bridges be burned at this point, Eli? Said the little voice in my head. I froze. A bridge. Of course. Not a gun, that would be to devastating. And my parents would have to identify my body-no. I started to run with a new purpose now. It felt as if a string was wrapped around me, and someone far away was pulling me, dragging me forward. This was what I needed. Clare was never coming back, she didn't love me. It's over. All of it, over. I'm over. Tears streamed down my face when I finally got to the bridge. It was empty, the flickering streetlamps illuminating my dark world. The only light I wanted-needed-was gone. I peered over the edge. I couldn't see the dark, churning water. But I could hear it. It would drag me down into the darkness, and soon I would never have to think of Clare Edwards again.

I pulled myself onto the railing, pulling myself up and then holding onto one of the suspensions. In tragic news today, the body of seventeen-year-old Eli Goldsworthy was pulled out of Crissolang River this morning. The Degrassi high school student was said to have become "emotionally detached" and "overly anxious" in recent months… The news would talk about me tomorrow, or maybe the day after. News would travel across Degrassi faster than a wildfire. Clare would hear about it, and try to act okay, like she didn't love me anyway. But she would break down. She would cry for me, those beautiful Blue Eyes would shed tears. She would finally be able to move on, to heal from me. I would never again be a constant reminder in the hallways.

"I love Clare Edwards!"

I squeezed my eyes shut. I would always love her. This was what was best for her, what was best for everyone. My parents would survive, somehow. And Clare would always hold a bittersweet memory of me for the rest of her life. I stiffened as the wind blew harder, and opened my eyes. I imagined Clare, blue eyes warm and wide, smiling. Her kisses, her touch, her laugh. I love you, Clare Edwards. I lifted my foot off of the railing just as a shrill voice rang out of the darkness. "Eli?"

Oh no. Not now. Not that perfect voice, not now. I licked my dry lips.

"Clare?"

A.N. A little different, I know. Tons of family probs going on guys, sorry I can't update as often. I have to upload my chapters on a different computer, so I have to keep going over to people's houses to update. Five reviews to update! JUST FIVE! I f you read this, just type two words into the reviews, and it will count. Just five!


	2. Chapter 2

**Eli's POV**

My breath rushed out of my lungs, creating steam in the cold night air. I felt like I got hit with a brick. I blinked, amazed. Clare. She was here. My knees buckled. Get a grip, Eli! Clare's curls flew around her face, unrestrained by a headband. Her pale skin glowed in the lamplight. She was wearing torn jeans, which were splattered with mud. She only wore a light blouse that had one of the sleeves torn. She shivered in the wind. I saved her eyes for last.

I inhaled sharply as those hypnotic sapphires gazed into my eyes. My knees almost gave out, and my hand shook. I could drown in those eyes. You could find the meaning of life in those sad eyes. It was like she stared through me instead of at me. She saw my soul, my pain my longing-no, my need-for her. "Eli?" she said again, her velvet voice stopping my heart. "Are you alright?" she asked, that angel face marred by concern and discomfort. A lump had formed in my throat, I couldn't speak. She cares. Clare wants to know if I'm alright. 'Talk, Eli,' said the little voice in my head. Stop being an idiot.

I'm dying inside, and every day when I wake up I wish I hadn't. I feel like I can't breathe, I'm suffocated by my love for you… "I'm fine." I whisper. She didn't say anything, just kept staring. Then a ghost of a smile appeared on her face. Memories flooded unwillingly back into my mind.

"Did you flip a switch and erase me from your memory? Did you ever love me at all?"

"I never loved you!"

"You're suffocating me!"

"…I'll never leave you, Eli."

The shattered broken promises filled the air between us, and suddenly I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave and shoot Jake Martin, to silence that hateful voice forever. He took Clare from me, and then he hurt her. He deserved to die. But looking into those agonized blue eyes something shifted inside me. Clare loved Jake. The realization was clear. She loved Jake Martin. I could never hurt anything Clare loved, because that would hurt her. I could not watch her go through pain without straining my sanity. I wouldn't hurt Jake Martin.

"So…Um….What are you doing up there?" she asked. She was cautious. Scared of me? Uncertain of what I might do? The gun seemed to burn in my jacket pocket. She couldn't know, could she? "I'm just looking at the view." I said nonchalantly, still gazing at her. I turn for a brief agonized second and gesture to the water. My eager eyes turn back to her and I watch as she takes a hesitant step forward. She was only wearing one shoe.

"Clare! It's freezing, why aren't you wearing your shoes?" I asked her. Stop caring Eli, she doesn't love you, remember? She shivers again, and her pale skin pales even more. Even mud splattered, she's an angel. "I had to keep running, it was either me or my shoes." She said quietly. Her eyes heated with anger, and the atmosphere changed instantly. It went from cold and callous to suddenly…melting. I forgot about everything we had gone through, I forgot that I wasn't supposed to love her anymore, that I wasn't supposed to feel anymore. "Clare…What happened to you?" I gasped. "It's a long story." She whispered, almost as if it was a confession. "How about we go out for coffee and I'll tell you about it?" she said. Me. Go on a date. With Clare Edwards. "Sure." I whispered, and wordlessly me and Clare walked out into the cold, dark night together.

AN Sorry it's so short. Five reviews to update!


	3. Chapter 3

**(This is from the episode where Clare moves in with the potheads.)**

**Eli's POV**

I gave Clare my shoes, and we walked in silence. I didn't feel the cold concrete underneath my feet, I did not feel the cold air that rushed into my lungs, all that I felt was Clare. I heard every breath she took, and watched the air she exhaled turn into steam in front of her porcelain face. I felt at peace. Maybe I had jumped off the bridge. Or maybe this was the best fucking dream I'd ever had. I felt asleep, like things were too good to be real. The streetlamps guided us to a small collection of stores, spilling ethereal light onto the brick road. We hurried forward into the warm oasis of light. I held open the door for her and watched as her cinnamon curls bounced across her shoulders. Her sapphire eyes did not meet mine; she kept them focused on the ground as we walked towards a table. After we ordered we sat there in awkward silence. I couldn't look away from her. Her face was smeared with mud, and there seemed to be a trace of blood above her eyebrow. She looked exhausted. How could anyone look so beautiful wearing clothes that were practically rags and covered in dirt? "Clare, what happened?" I whispered. She couldn't look me in the eyes, she kept the cinnamon curls tucked in front of her face. "I…I moved in with these p-people." She choked back a sob and my teeth clenched. What had these people done to her? Clare's a freaking angel, who would hurt her?

"What happened, sweetheart?" I prodded. Clare's eyes flashed with lightning as she stared at me. Had I overstepped the mark? "T-The guy that lived there…He...He wanted me to…to have sex with him!" she proclaimed, horrified. My hands clenched into fists, and rage burned through my veins. How dare he go anywhere near her? Her virginity is one of the most important things to her. "I fought him off, but he threw me out." She let out a sob, letting her head drop to the floor. "He shouldn't have been anywhere near you." I whisper, letting my thoughts leaking through my mouth. She smiled at me, just a little. The smile of a broken girl that was desperately trying to hold it together. "Where are you staying?" I asked her. "Nowhere." She whispered.

"Stay with me." I said. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Her sapphire eyes widened, and her porcelain cheeks flushed. "Really?" she whispered.

"Yeah, my parents love you." I love you. She smiled, her face lighting up like the morning sun. "I have to know something first, Eli." She said, avoiding my eyes again.

"Anything."

"Do you ever think that we could start again from where we left off?"

…What did she say? Did she seriously just…. And for the first time in what felt like years…I felt hope. That there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The somehow…we could be "we" again.

"Clare…in a way…I think we never stopped caring for each other."

We left the café together, hand in hand, walking towards home.

**A/N So, is this story done? LEAVE A REVIEW IF YOU WANT THE STORY TO CONTINUE!**


	4. Chapter 4

Clare and I filled the silence with the words we'd always wanted to say but never could. We talked about everything-how she felt about her mother getting remarried, about her father practically abandoning her, how Darcy hadn't talked to her in months. I listened, drinking in her words like a man that had walked deserts. I watched how the streetlamps made her cinnamon curls turn the color of burning embers, how her eyes sparkled whenever she talked. The gun felt heavy and seemed to burn a hole in my back pocket. Whenever I caught her staring at me, I always panicked. Did she see it? Does she know? Whenever we finally reached my house, I let out a small sigh of relief. Finally. I could hide the gun, and Clare would never know.

Clare looked relaxed as we walked up to my room. Cece and Bullfrog were asleep-it was almost four in the morning. They probably hadn't even noticed me leaving. "I need to take a shower and get some new clothes." Clare whispered, pulling me from my thoughts. "Of course." I said, finding towel for her and leading her to the bathroom. "Do you want one of my T-shirts or something?"

"Sure." She whispered, a ghost of a smile on her face. Her eyes twinkled with an unnamed emotion. She suddenly leaned up and kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks, Eli." She murmured as she walked into the bathroom. I heard her turn on the shower in the back of my mind, because the rest was filled with a rushing noise. It sounded like thunder behind pouring rain. She had kissed me. And suddenly joy, an emotion I hadn't experienced in a long time, burst inside my chest like a firework.

"Yes!" I cried, and punched the air. She wanted to kiss me! She wanted me! I ran my hand through my hair and walked into my bedroom. It was still clean, I hadn't relapsed with the hoarding. I slid the gun out of my back pocket. I sat down on my bed, running my fingertips over the cold metal, caressing the weapon over and over. I had almost killed someone. The realization that I was almost a murderer hit me like a truck. You almost killed someone, Eli. You almost killed Jake Martin. My hands were shaking. I walked to the window, passing the gun back and forth between my hands. If I had killed him, I never would have gotten Clare back. A loud banging noise from downstairs startled me, and I dropped the gun. Shit! I looked down out the window, trying to locate it. It had fallen into the bushes, and it was too dark for me to see. Another loud pounding noise from downstairs. "Eli! What's going on?" Clare yelled. "Nothing!" I called back, exiting my room and walking down the stairs. Another booming knock on the door. I twisted open the door. "Are you Elijah Goldsworthy?" said the police officer standing in front of me. Oh shit.

"Um, yes sir. Can I help you?" I slid easily into the mask I used around teachers in school. Casual, do-gooder, pacifist. The cop, a big beefy monster, grabbed my arm and twisted me around. Cold metal clipped around one of my hands. "Elijah Goldsworthy, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of Jacob Martin."


End file.
